Checking in

It’s been a tough old week, friends. I know it’s been a while since I published on here, but I’m still rambling wherever I can. I have been popping links to publications in external articles under the ‘roles, awards and publications’ page, so if you want to see what I’m up to/currently angry about, feel free.

Whilst we’re on the subject of checking in, I hope you’re okay, and checking in with yourselves. The past week has proven that I am not checking in with myself, or adequately looking after my mental health – I suppose life just…happens – but I obviously have been neglecting myself. It’s funny: living with cPTSD (complex PTSD ) has taught me that no day is the same. And yet, whenever I notice my mental health slipping, it always feels like a surprise. I must get better at recognising the signs.

Anyway, stay safe and well: I will write something of more substance soon. In the meantime, if you want to see what I’ve been doing, Twitter is your best bet (@nosuperheroblog ). Til next time, friends…

Heather x

The Recovery Toolkit Blog Tour*

TW: this post may touch upon some distressing themes including therapy, mental illness, emotional abuse and PTSD.

Admittedly, tackling my own issues with mental health and a complex PTSD diagnosis has been something I have been putting off for some time. This book arrived on my doorstep about a year into trauma-focused therapy, and I am glad to be sharing my thoughts with you. Please note that I will not divulge the specific circumstances around this diagnosis and will keep terms neutral to protect the identity of others. I will, however, mention the ways in which complex PTSD impacts on my life and how resources like Sue’s can help you to take control of what can be an overwhelming situation.

Sue Penna, smiling at the camera. She has blonde and brown short hair, and is wearing bright red lipstick.

Sue has worked with people who have trauma as a result of adverse childhood experiences, also known as ACEs , for over 30 years. She has worked for the NHS mental health services for 20 years and is an expert in trauma following abuse. Sue is an advocate for trauma-informed practice, and as someone in the thick of her own trauma-informed therapy, I know that this process is vital for me to go through in order to heal from my own ACEs. For more info on ACEs and to find your own score, click here.

Find out more about Sue Penna & her work on twitter @SuePenna, and you can access her website here.

A book cover, with The Recovery Toolkit on the front, and chain links. The book is mostly purple, and has white graphics

Dealing with trauma is a messy, difficult journey. Although I am fortunate enough to have specific therapy with a trauma specialist, there’s a lot of homework to do outside of my sessions. Complex PTSD is exhausting. For me, it manifests in every waking second of my life. It is the inability to ‘switch off’, the need to feel busy to stop a plethora of auditory, visual and emotional flashbacks, the OCD that makes me do things repetitively, or means I am always scanning my environment for danger. It is a crippling lack of self-esteem, zero confidence, and not believing positive feedback. It’s going to the shop and struggling to decide which item to pick up off the shelf for fear of making the ‘wrong’ decision. It’s the need to excel, exceed expectation, constantly prove my worth. It is the exhausting, repetitive cycle of being unable to sleep, sleeping for too long, waking up with my heart beating out of my chest. It is the constant need to feel safe.

Sue’s book, based on her experience of supporting those who have been through traumatic events, is a 12-week programme that explores the different ways you are feeling, the need for self-care, the dynamics of abuse (focused around domestic abuse but also relevant to other types of trauma where a person or child felt trapped and unable to leave) as well as relaxation techniques and the need to track thoughts and emotions.

I am keen to address what contributed to my cPTSD, and to feel more content in my life, regardless of having experienced complex trauma(s). I know this process will take time, but books like Sue’s provide me with the hope that I have a chance to relinquish control, and can explore the steps I need to take to heal and carve a happier life for myself.

A picture with the Recovery Toolkit book, and advertising the book on sale for 99p / 99 cents.

Many thanks to Sue and Jeni for allowing me to feature a glimpse into this book: if you feel the need to explore the Recovery Toolkit, I am sending you solidarity and love.

IWD 2020: embracing identities, embracing intersectionality

I wrote this post for International Women’s Day 2020: I hope you enjoy (even though it is exceedingly late!)

I’d be lying if I said I have always been comfortable with my identity as a young, disabled woman. I recall my schooldays with a mixture of sadness and regret, where I spent most of my time anxious, desperately trying to hide any evidence of my disabilities. At an age where you are so set on ‘fitting in’, claiming and taking pride in this element of my identity was not at the top of my priority list.


Disability is not a new thing to me.


Born at 2lb 11ozs, and decidedly purple in colour, I was susceptible to a myriad of illnesses and dangers. One thing that hadn’t fully developed was my brain: initially I was diagnosed with a brain injury of sorts (the details are sketchy), and my parents were never really privy to the details. When it came to ‘reaching milestones’ I fell short, and was easily compared to my twin brother. When the initial diagnosis of lead poisoning was ruled out, we were told I had cerebral palsy. I’d need an operation, physio, occupational therapy and monitoring throughout my childhood.

My parents didn’t ask too many questions: doctors were blasé about this diagnosis, which seeped into my parents’ consciousness. So, though littered with appointments, I was brought up as if there wasn’t anything to worry about. Pain was explained away by doctors as growing pain: and though I writhed in bed screaming some nights, I was told to take some ibuprofen and grit my teeth.


At the age of thirteen, mum took a photograph of me on Floridian sand, where the sea stretched for miles and miles and the sun kissed my hair a golden blonde. This photo unknowingly captured another aspect of my cerebral palsy: my increasingly curved spine. When I got home, try as I might, I couldn’t stand up straight. With tears in my eyes, it was back to the doctors I went.


Being diagnosed with Scheuermann’s Kyphosis – a deformity in my thoracic vertebrae – led to more hospital
appointments. Surgery was banded about, but a spinal brace was the preferred option. Wearing this restrictive plastic shell around school was a real challenge. I couldn’t get into my own bed, my clothes didn’t fit, and my increasing pain was dismissed by consultants. I felt so badly about my body and what it was that I was engulfed by shame: disability was not something to take pride in. It was messy, chaotic and unpredictable. And living with an uncooperative body wasn’t something I wanted.


They say people go to university and ‘find themselves’, and although this is admittedly a little cliché for my liking, I can’t deny the fact that university was instrumental in me coming to terms with my disabled identity. It was here I first learned of disability rights, and of those who came before me and fought for their rights to a happy and fulfilling life, disability and all. I read the work of Rosemary Garland-Thomson, Elaine Scarry and Frida Kahlo, who championed disability, and portrayed it as a variant of ‘normal’. It was here I learnt that disability was not the undesirable attribute I thought. It was simply part of me, and part of who I was. And I finally felt like I had permission to embrace my disabled womanhood.


When we celebrate International Women’s Day, we must remember to be intersectional: we must remember to celebrate all embodiments of women, and what we have achieved. We must remember BAME women, disabled women and LGBT+ women, as we continue to fight for better gender diversity, equal rights, and the right to embrace – and be completely proud of – our identities as women.


There’s no denying that there’s a way to go. We’ve made strides in this space, but there’s always more we can do. We must advocate and champion women from all walks of life around the world. On International Women’s Day I hope you are able to celebrate and uplift the women you know. We each have a story, and have each faced adversity and obstacles. I know that, despite these difficulties, we have the power to shape the lives of women everywhere.

Unearthing silver-linings

Who’d have thought we’d be in this position? We’ve been locked-down since the middle of March and life as we knew it has been turned upside-down.

The covid-19 pandemic has been a real roller-coaster of emotions for many. There have been unimaginable losses, a myriad of changes and acknowledgement that life may never be quite the same ever again.

Like many, I have been working from home for the past two months, and staying at home where possible. Although it has obviously been a real change to my daily life, there have been some unexpected positives that have come from all of this. I’m fortunate enough to be able to access therapy over video-calls, and being locked-down is reducing any outside stresses, allowing me to really focus on getting the most out of my sessions. It’s been one of the little silver linings I’ve seen peeking through, and I am going to grab this opportunity to reflect, heal, and learn with both hands.

My mental health story is something I have shared on no superhero before, but last year was a really pivotal time for me. I was diagnosed with complex PTSD (cPTSD, CPTSD, C-PTSD). Obtaining this diagnosis was key for me, as it helped me to start the long process of unravelling the mechanisms behind my mental health, my beliefs and my behaviours. 12 months on, I am acutely aware that this process will not be an easy one, nor a quick fix. It’s going to take a lot of time and effort. One day I’ll share a little bit more about cPTSD and my experiences, symptoms and story. But for now, as I sit in my flat surrounded by the things that spark happiness, warmth and love, I am feeling like I’m at a Good Point in my journey. It is possible to find some light amongst the dark. It is possible to unearth those silver linings. And I am going to make the most of them showing through.

It’s been quite a while…

…hasn’t it?

I am writing to you in April 2020 and as far as I can tell, my last post was at the end of 2018. Now if that’s not a break from blogging, I don’t know what is.

My absence wasn’t deliberate or elaborately engineered (I promise!). I just think last year turned out to be a Very Big Year in lots of ways. Just to give you an idea of how hectic it was, here’s a list of some of the key events that happened in my life last year:

  • bought a flat
  • renovated the flat
  • got a new job
  • finally got targeted, specialised help for cPTSD (more on that later)
  • ended a relationship
  • started a relationship
  • won some awards
  • worked with various charities, publications and institutions
  • did all the other Adult Things you’re meant to do
  • managed to survive
  • kept my guinea pigs alive

So…it was a lot. A. Lot.

2019 was a really pivotal year for me in a lot of ways. It was painful, transformative, exciting, and – to be quite honest –  it was really blooming difficult.

2020 is turning out to be Quite the Year for all of us, I know, but I think 2019 was good preparation for me. When I give myself the time to gather my thoughts and think about how ridiculous the past couple of years have been, I am really quite baffled. There’s so much to address, I know I can’t fully explain it all in this measly, rambling post.

What I will say, is that I’m prepared to talk, and reflect, and consider. I am thinking of making some changes to nosuperhero: I am thinking I need to share what I’ve been doing a whole lot more (because although this little blog has been somewhat neglected, I’ve been doing plenty of work for other publications, charities and local committees). I am also thinking that nosuperhero.co.uk could do with a little update and makeover. I am also hoping that – even though my little blog has been a little sparse as of late – I can continue to work in this space, and continue to work towards making the world an altogether better place by sharing my stories, sharing my thoughts, and sharing my ramblings, no matter how uninteresting they may be.

So, a big hello from me. A big hello from nosuperhero.

It’s good to be back.

Disabled, Diverse and Talented: a snippet from the Children’s Media Conference 2018

Earlier this year, I was fortunate enough to speak at the Children’s Media Conference on behalf of Inclusive Minds. I used this opportunity to discuss the importance of authentic representation in literature. This is something I am incredibly passionate about, having studied literature at university, and this event gave me the opportunity to speak with like-minded individuals working in the media.
I just wanted to share the transcript of my talk with you. I hope you enjoy learning a bit more about my motivations for disability advocacy and campaigning and the profound effect representation can have on validating and acknowledging an individuals’ differerences.

A kindle cover made of fabric covered in books

Disabled, Diverse and Talented: Media, What Are You Waiting For?

Diversity: it’s the word on everyone’s lips right now. And – whether you like it or not – the word is well and truly here to stay. Employers are asked to make sure their workforces are diverse; creatives are reminded that their content is diverse, and, perhaps more importantly, that it can be accessed by a diverse audience. As the field of disability rights becomes more and more prevalent, and as more people are finally becoming aware of the ableism and disablism that disabled people are subjected to, diversity is becoming an integral part of everyday conversation. So, that begs the question: as media professionals, what’s in it for you?

A story I often tell at events like these is a very personal one, focused on my own experiences of university studying English Literature. I’ve always been an avid reader, so a degree that consisted of hours and hours of reading seemed rather apt. I’ve always found books fascinating: I was captivated by the way that narratives were so carefully crafted and interwoven, and the ways in which such intimate expressions of the human experience can be portrayed through words alone. During my second year, I chose to take an extremely popular module called ‘Classics of British Children’s Literature’. I was expecting this – probably naively – to be a nostalgic trip down memory lane, but instead, it completely changed the course of my studies. We were asked to read Hodgson-Burnett’s The Secret Garden, something I was aware of during my childhood but not something I really ever read; or at least it wasn’t anything that really had an effect on me. I remember – incredibly vividly – sat in the newly-refurbished Brynmor Jones Library and stumbling across the following: ‘…he is a hunchback…[and] it is horrid,’. What I haven’t mentioned yet, which is very integral to my story, is that at the age of 13 I was diagnosed with Scheuermann’s Kyphosis, and I remember the words thay came out of the consultant’s mouth on that fateful day: ‘You have vertebral deformity…a hunchback, if you will,’. This, alongside my pre-existing form of cerebral palsy came as a real blow to me. Stumbling upon those lines brought that familiar sinking feeling washing over me. My cheeks flushed red. I felt a deep-seated shame emanate from the pit of my stomach: those days stood in front of the floor-length mirror trying to desperately straighten my back to no avail. For a long time, I hated the way my back looked, and amongst those pages, those words really hurt. what was worse about this, was that when I came to discuss my issues surrounding this book in the seminar that week, no one really batted an eyelid. Whilst I accepted that the book was written for early 20th century readers, I found it hard to accept that my concerns were not being addressed by my lecturer in 21st century Britain.

It’s said that there is no friend as loyal as a book, but right there and then, I felt betrayed by one of the things I loved the most. I’d worked for a long time to get to a place where I was comfortable and happy with my body’s differences and appearance. But those words spoke loudly to that internalised ableism I’d carried around with me for years, something shared by the majority of the disabled population. After my experience in that seminar, I made it a mission of mine to search out for more accurate representations of people like me. I wanted to find characters in pages and on stages that had disabilities and lived their lives in either ordinary – or extraordinary – ways. Maybe they were embroiled in a dramatic family saga, or went on fantastic adventures. Where were the protagonists who got up and lived their lives embracing their disability rather than following the typical narrative trope of bitter and twisted individuals desperate to be cured?

A woman stood at a lectern wearing green dungarees pictured mid-sentence. Next to her is a large board covered in pictures and there's a large screen on the right of the picture with a powerpoint presentation

We all know that media is one of the most powerful forces in the world. I’m sure most of you attending Children’s Media Conference are here because you are creative individuals with grand ideas and a view of changing the world, no matter how small. You strive to create a world of fun, education and interest for children. You know how much your creations have the ability to impact upon young children’s lives. You work to harness that spark of imagination within individuals’ eyes, and want to watch it grow into a fire roaring with enthusiasm and excitement. We all know that there is nothing more validating than seeing a reflection of your true self – differences and all – captured through the written word or lit up on a television screen. It paints a picture and conveys a message that says that you matter, you are worthy, and that, most importantly, your life and experiences matter. Nothing quite beats that.

This experience was perhaps the main catalyst for commencing a Master of Research postgraduate degree where I made it my goal to uncover lesser-known literary portrayals of disability that were more true-to-life and accurate in their manifestations. Imagine my joy, then, when I came across Emma Henderson’s protagonist Grace Williams, a girl with the same type of hemiplegia as me and a spinal curvature alongside it.

Behind the scenes and screens is a good place to start cultivating these characters and representations that have the power to bring so much validation and happiness to children and young people. I do not think it’s a prerequisite to have direct experience of each of the many facets of diversity to render it into media, but we need to acknowledge that consulting those with real, lived experience adds authenticity and insight to your creations. When you employ a disabled person, and ask them for their honesty and opinion with regard to ascertaining an accurate representation of their lives, you are unlocking a plethora of knowledge, which – when transferred and translated into whatever you’re creating – has the ability to validate the lives of thousands, if not millions, of individuals.

A woman stood at a lectern wearing green dungarees. You cannot see the front of her face. Next to her is a large board covered in pictures and there's a large screen on the right of the picture with a powerpoint presentation.

Now is a good a time as any to make truly positive changes, and in turn to shape perceptions and enrich the minds and lives of children and young people. I longed for characters to be like me when I was growing up, but they never materialised. However, organisations like Inclusive Minds – for which I am an Inclusion Ambassador – gives authors, publishers, agents and other creatives the opportunity to find out more about the lives experience of under-represented individuals, can help make this positive change a reality.

I know your work is devoted to making children’s lives richer by whatever means possible. You truly have the ability to enact real, meaningful change in your fields.

Happiness is…

…soft lamp light, an abundance of throws, tea sipped at just the right temperature, scribbling on a crisp, clean page, crossing off items on my to-do list, the crinkle of a packet followed by a duet of wheeks, the light glinting off a freshly-polished table, sunlight streaming through the window in the early hours

Permanently Exhausted Pigeon

I always see a meme doing the rounds on social media that says something like ‘I’m not an early bird or an night owl, I’m some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.’ This is probably one of those memes everyone can relate to to some extent. But honestly, I cannot emphasise how much this resembles my life at the moment.

In September I landed myself a new job. This was a huge deal for me: after months of drowning in job applications, keen to avoid landing a job in the education sector, I found something I could really get my teeth into. The only catch? It was full-time. And getting my body used to the rigours of full-time work would be perhaps the greatest challenge of all.

Fatigue is a real sucker. Unless you’ve experienced it, it’s incredibly hard to understand. I am one of these people who can sleep for 12 hours or more and still nap for several hours during the day. And no matter what, I am always tired.

It’s generally acknowledged by the medical community that individuals with cerebral palsy use between 3 to 5 times more energy carrying out daily tasks than those without. On an average day, I walk a good 25 minutes during my daily commute. I also make sure to take regular breaks at work, and will frequently get up and go for a little walk around the office when I can. By the time I’ve come home from work and done the usual bits and bobs around the house, I am wiped. Sometimes, I will push through and make a meal from scratch. Other days, I’ll bung something convenient into the oven, or Ben or my family will cook something for me. By 8 o’clock, I am considering getting into bed. I feel bad about this though, so I’ll usually give it til half ten and then consider going about my daily bedtime routine before finally settling down.

Once I am in bed, I tend to do a little bit of reading, before falling asleep ungracefully, probably with my mouth wide open, snoring for all the world to hear.

Next morning, my alarm goes off at 6.45 and the routine begins again.

I’ve had to have a serious talk with myself regarding reserving my energy and managing my pain. I am awful and stubborn when it comes to admitting I can’t take on the world, but living permanently exhausted is just not cutting it any more.

Pacing is something I genuinely want to work on. I need to banish those guilty thoughts and accept that I am not a superhuman. I need to schedule in early nights, make sure I eat good meals and regularly snack on healthy things during the day to keep me going. Most importantly, I need to work on accepting that this is something I can and will work on.

I am enjoying my job. It is the right thing for me right now. Working in an office means I can sit comfortably with a hot water bottle on my aching back, endless cups of tea, with a view of the city around me. I enjoy the satisfaction of seeing a project come together, matters complete and people satisfied and thankful when it’s all over. I enjoy working with people based all over the world and I am lucky to have very supportive, lovely colleagues who put up with my endless yawning and stretching at my desk. I just need to remember give my body and mind the attention it deserves at all times.

I write this whilst snuggling under my heated blanket. My spine has got it in for me today and I haven’t done anything particularly spectacular. But that’s okay. Because right now, this permanently exhausted pigeon is all that matters, and I am going to make sure I spend more of my time with that in mind.

‘The Girl Who Took a Rocket to the Moon & Other Stories’*

Mental health.

It’s something we all have. Yet none of us seem to want to talk about it.

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‘The Girl Who Took a Rocket to the Moon & Other Stories’ is a book, aimed at adults and children alike, that attempts to break down the stigma surrounding mental health, creating a conversation within which individuals can discuss their own issues with others.

Jenny Eckloff, who wrote the book after seeing a loved one struggle with their own mental health, has written seven short stories that encompass all aspects of mental health. From tackling anxiety, to depression, to panic attacks, Jenny’s book – illustrated by the talented Sammie Ripley – showcases stories that are relatable, yet often poignant.

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Though it capture the multi-faceted nature of the human emotional experience, the book is very accessible. The stories are short enough to be read easily, and would make a great bedtime story for little ones. They address panic attacks, depression and anxiety in an open, non-judgemental way, allowing the characters to overcome their difficulties and with the understanding that it is okay to talk.

A particular favourite of mine – ‘The Fallen Star’ – addresses the difficulties individuals have in seeking help, and encourages others to be there when individuals do reach out:

‘…maybe sometimes, stars need to fall and even though he couldn’t fix it, he just needed to be for it when it did…it takes great strength to ask for help…and it takes equal amounts to fix yourself.’

As someone who made that very first step in addressing my own mental health, these words were particularly resonating. It is hard to seek help, and even harder to actually help yourself. The glossary at the back of the book is a wonderful, concise resource that can be used explaining anxiety, panic attacks, depression and more whilst reading the stories.

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Reading Jenny’s book – alongside Sammie’s whimsical illustrations – is a really lovely, affirming experience, and would make a wonderful gift to those struggling with their own mental health, or the mental health of their loved ones.

Thanks so much to Jenny for letting me review your book: it truly is wonderful, and I hope you continue to break the stigma and taboo of mental health one story at a time.

You can follow Jenny on twitter @Reckless_Winter, see her website at http://www.jennyeckloff.com .

You can also look at more of Sammie’s wonderful illustrations over at: https://www.instagram.com/samsillustration/

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